10 Things to discuss before getting married

It is scary to see how many posts exist of people complaining or asking advice about an issue between them and their spouse, which is about something that should have clearly been discussed before getting married. Communication is key to any relationship, and it is vital to make sure that you and your fiance are on the same page about certain topics before tying the knot.

[1] Children

Do you want them? How many do you want? How do you plan on raising them? When do you want them? This might seem obvious, but there are still so many people complaining about their spouses not wanting children, or asking how they can change their mind. The honest truth is, you can’t. If your fiance says that he does not want kids, please believe him. And do not think that it will change once you get married. It won’t. So make sure you are on the same page about children and that whatever is said will go for the rest of your lives. Don’t bet on things changing, otherwise you will just be left disappointed.

[2] Religion

It is obviously best to marry into the same religion, for obvious reasons. But even when doing so, it is important to discuss how you feel about what your role is in your religious lives and how you want to implement your religion into your household. Things like which church to go to, how you plan on living your beliefs out at home, what you believe your role should be, which behaviours should be avoided etc. When religion doesn’t match, you have even more questions that should get answers – how is each person allowed to show their religion at home? What should be respected by each spouse? What are the boundaries and concerns etc?

[3] Finances

It is well-known that most fights and even divorces are due to finances. The reason for this is mostly not agreeing on how to work with and value money. Before getting married, make sure you set-up a budget that each spouse should agree to adhering by. Also make sure that you have a similar outlook on spending and saving. Discuss which person should be responsible for each expense you have and what the free spending money will be for each.

Further make sure that you agree on a monetary amount at which a mutual agreement should take place first before a purchase is allowed to happen. For example, if Spouse A wants to buy something that costs more than R2 000, it should be discussed with Spouse B first. This will ensure that both parties have a say on big expenses and avoid fights about “splurging”. Lastly, make sure you save at the beginning of each month. Have a separate savings account, and agree on an amount you put away the moment you get your salaries.

[4] Family

How do you feel about family visits? How often is it expected? Should family have a say in your personal lives? What advice can you ask for from them? Which topics are off limits to discuss with family and should remain personal? Are there currently any issues with family? How should it be handled going forward? Should any money be borrowed to family?

[5] Girls/Boys Night

This is also a popular topic discussed on social media. Make sure that you agree on what is reasonable and that you keep to your word. How often can these happen? How far in advance should it be arranged? What are the concerns and limitations (drinking too much etc.)? What time is reasonable to get home? The feeling about this will be different for each couple and that is okay. The importance here is that you find mutual ground and make sure that you keep to it.

[6] Sex life

For most couples, this is something you do and not discuss. But like any other thing in a marriage, communication is actually really important when it comes to sex. Outline your expectations for married life and sex. Maybe talk about what you are excited about, what scares you, what you want to try and just overall what sex means to you. It will bring you a lot closer to each other.

[7] Work

Unfortunately in modern day, companies require almost everything from their employees. But it is important to still set boundaries. How do you feel about work travel? Where would you be willing to relocate to? Should drinks after work be a thing? How often? Should work be more important than family? What is the plan when this is expected by a company? What are each spouse’s aspirations for their careers? How will this influence family life? Is there a clear breadwinner of the family? If so, is it expected to continue being that way?

[8] Deal-breakers

Discuss behaviours and things that will be a thorn in your side in married life. However big or small. Neatness of the house. Who drives when going out. How often should you go out. Eating in front of the TV. Waking up early. Sleeping in. Being on your phone too much. Putting a wet towel on a bed. Leaving your shoes in the hallway. Any small or big thing that will be an irritation and might cause you to fight with your spouse.

[9] House roles

Who is responsible for what? Is it expected of both parties to take care of the house? How often? Which chore is who’s responsibility? Who takes care of what?

[10] Love language

A relationship can grow so much further if each partner knows how to make the other feel loved. Discuss what makes you feel loved and appreciated. What your partner currently does to make you feel special and what you also want them to do in future. This will ensure a loving relationship for both parties.

Starting your marriage on the same page will help you build beautiful chapters going forward, and might just ensure a happily ever after. So grab a cup of coffee, cuddle up, and discuss your future.